"In the end you'll find you're made of stellar stuff;
barely hanging on by a thin thread was never good enough."
barely hanging on by a thin thread was never good enough."
in the next week, i’m going to have to flip my shit on my parents and give them a very stern talking to about my future
i literally have to flip my shit on them every 2-3 years and give them the same talk about how what they do affects people and that they can’t bend people to their will. shit does not work like that.
sounds terrible, that i do this, but honestly- my parents seriously want me to take a year off and apply to go to school 30 miles away from my house because it’ll be “cheaper” oh my goodness
my parents, for some reason, can’t seem to function properly without my presence? like, my mother said yesterday: “everything’s back to normal now. you’re here- we can be normal again.”
w h a t
That’s it. I’m done. I tap out. My nerves and my drive are completely and utterly shot. I can’t breathe.
Where the fuck am I supposed to go to scream? Who holds me as I cry? Where do I go to rebuild myself?
I can’t calm down. My head is throbbing, and I keep swallowing my tears because I know that if I allow myself to cry, I will break into pieces.
I’m fucking done. I am not going to class tomorrow. I’m done. I am terrible, absolutely terrible at attaining the goals I set for myself. I give blood, sweat, tears- I give up my health, my family, my friends-
What the fuck am I supposed to do to achieve my dreams if no one is willing to give me the chance to make something of my life?
I’m done. My resolve is completely shot. I just cannot.
And again we visit this subject.
I really think I’ll have to give up on Grad Student. I really do.
And it really really hurts to know that when I graduate, he’ll just fade away from my life.
“Don’t worry- there’ll be others.” That line doesn’t really cut it for me. I didn’t figure out that I could actually like someone until Grad Student. What if there aren’t others?
People just do not get this- that I actually do want to have a relationship with someone, that I actually do want to some day have sex with that person, and that I do want to be ridiculously, disgustingly romantic.
I’m so scared because I’ve never wanted to have a relationship with someone until Grad Student. What the hell am I supposed to do if I don’t see him or hear from him? Just let it go? Just bottle it up and leave it untouched on a shelf?
It’s just… So much is working in tandem. Sexuality (or lack thereof). Anxiety issues. Fear of rejection. Classes not lining up. Circumstances. My dreams…I just… I don’t know what to do. I know I’ll be filled with regret if I don’t do something. And yet, the first thing I think of is:
“Don’t you want to take a leap of faith? Or become an old man, filled with regret, waiting to die alone?!”
I really don’t know, Saito. I really don’t know.
