So the inevitable has happened again- my health issues are coming back. Great.
Had a breakthrough while in the bathtub the other night.
I’m not in a very good place at the moment. Everything is not good.
I’m going to break at some point. I haven’t cried about any of this yet.
When things concern my family, I swallow back any emotion I have. They don’t say it, but they expect me to be a rock. Why else would you keep secrets from your significant other for years but tell me? Why else would you waste your time and money on me but not on the others? Why else would you blow up at me when I deviate from the path?
I’ve been swallowing back all of this for years, and what I found out on Saturday just takes the cake. I think I may still be in shock. Who knows.
I just want to be numb, or break into a thousand pieces.
When I say my prayers, I rarely ask for things for myself. I just ask that everyone I love is okay. And no one is okay. They won’t be okay for years and years and that breaks my heart. And they look to me for stability- everyone in the family does it. My mother, my father, my sister, my cousins, my grandfather- they do it, and they don’t even know it.
I remember telling my fellow interns in a development workshop that I was blessed rather early with the gift of being able to find my center at an early age. It’s really really hard to surprise me or break me. And even when I was told this new information, I didn’t flinch. I wasn’t phased. I accept it, I do… I just…
I only ever want everyone to be okay. I wish upon them enough hardship for them to blossom, not to damage them. But this seems like hardship to the point of extreme damage.
And I can feel the weight of it all, crushing me. And I think that’s why I exercise, to make myself stronger so I can bear it all.
My best friend told me that I can’t save them.
My problem is that I’ll try my damnest to save them, and make it better, even if it means killing myself in the process.
Which is not a good thing.
And I ask God if He knows what He’s asking me to become. He says yes, of course, He’s God. But why would You ask me to become this, this of all things?
And the worst part is that I’ll smile and laugh and play like I always have, and just absorb the pain and let everyone believe I’m alright, like their aches aren’t killing me inside.
So much for being the rock.
I have to face the fact that I am going to be upset about this for the rest of my life, and that I won’t be at peace with the knowledge within me for years, maybe decades.
I am upset. I’m not really going to say why, but I am so upset. And if I have to face one more thing, I think I’ll break.
As strange as it may sound, I keep looking for something to dull the thoughts racing through my head. I want to take some medication, do some substance that’ll mellow me out, or drink something hard and disgusting. I want someone to fuck the daylights out of me and take away every bit of this, or dance on someone with the haze of music in my skull.
But I know that seeking a release won’t help because the issues will still be around when I become lucid again.
Maybe exercise will just have to be the getaway I’m looking for.
But I wish that I had another physical outlet that didn’t seem so inappropriate for what I’m dealing with at the moment.
in the next week, i’m going to have to flip my shit on my parents and give them a very stern talking to about my future
i literally have to flip my shit on them every 2-3 years and give them the same talk about how what they do affects people and that they can’t bend people to their will. shit does not work like that.
sounds terrible, that i do this, but honestly- my parents seriously want me to take a year off and apply to go to school 30 miles away from my house because it’ll be “cheaper” oh my goodness
my parents, for some reason, can’t seem to function properly without my presence? like, my mother said yesterday: “everything’s back to normal now. you’re here- we can be normal again.”
w h a t